Does your preferred Bible translation identify the Star Wars character you are most like? Don't doubt me on this; it comes from an Internet meme, so you know it's true. After all those persecution blogs, we need a palate cleanser. Rankings stolen and refined with permission from King David’s Treasury of Memes for Israelite Teens and Facebook's Christian Outlaw, City on a Hill's resident Meme King. A long time ago, in a blog far, far away... Let's start by determining what you look for in a Bible translation. Pick your single most important Bible translation characteristic.
Mainlined from the source: straight, no chaser.
As grammatically accurate an English translation as possible, of course.
The most widely accepted English translation in the Galaxy, please.
Accurate to the source grammatically, but English is it in.
It's a dark horse translation.
Tell me Bible stories like my Mom used to.
Nothing fancy, and give me some cartoons!
GQ smoove and easy to read, it never gets bogged down in details.
Just get it done, kid. Don't get cocky.
Cold, clean, methodical, and thorough.
Now, scroll down and find the number you chose: that's your Star Wars spirit animal.
So, Which Star Wars Character Are You Most Like?
Remember that Bible translation methods appear on a spectrum from Word-For-Word (WFW), to Thought-For-Thought (TFT) to Paraphrasing. That is, from " harder to easier reading" or from "green vegetables to gas station sushi". Your mileage/indigestion may vary, but we'll provide some guidance along the way.
Got your number ready? According to King David’s Treasury of Memes for Israelite Teens your Star Wars Spirit Animal is:
2 = NASB ( New American Standard Bible; Strong WFW )
Star Wars Character: C3P0
Very technical and rigid. Awkward at parties, but mostly right on the money and you just can't argue with it. Kinda like dealing with that brother-in-law who keeps C-SPAN on blast 24/7.
4 = ESV ( English Standard Version; WFW )
Star Wars Character: Yoda Laconic and worded backward much of the time. Accurate, but it won't be quoted on Instagram or bumper stickers anytime soon. Sorry. Accurate, yes. But on Instagram quoted or on bumper stickers anytime soon, will it be not.
6 = The Message ( Hard Paraphrase ) Star Wars Character: Jar Jar Binks Charitably regarded as "out there", The Message is more a one-man play retelling the Bible than a word-for-word translation. You can go along with what it's saying, but you wouldn't rely on it for any theological heavy lifting. You're pretty sure you're not getting all the details. Worse, you suspect you may be getting more.
3 = KJV ( King James Version; Light WFW ) Star Wars Character: Qui Gon Jinn The Bob Seger of translations, with the beard to prove it, KJV still works for some people, and they won't part with it. Like Qui Gon Jinn, KJV is highly quotable and best read with a posh British accent. It's also rumored to be soft on tyrants, and have some clever Shakespeare tagging tucked into Psalms 46.
10. = HCSB ( Holman Christian Standard Bible; (WFW+ TFT/2) ) Star Wars Character: Mace Windu
HCSB is reliable and efficient, like Mace Windu in a lightsaber duel. Jean Baptiste Immanuel Zorg might even say it's "cold-blooded, clean, methodical, and thorough." HCSB is not super popular and kind of mysterious. Very tired of snakes on planes.
5 = RSV ( Revised Standard Edition; Light WFW ) Star Wars Character: Anakin Skywalker While originally promising much good, RSV was eventually turned bad and used as a power source for the dark side. Like Weezer, everyone hopes it becomes good again. Until then? Pick again, Padawan. You don't know if you'll be around for the sequel.
9 = NIV ( New International Version; TFT ) Star Wars Character: Han Solo
Scruffy but easy to understand, NIV shoots from the hip. First.
It's good when you need something simple and effective.
Many people have some doubts about it.
NIV knows you love it (but that's all it will say).
7 = GNT ( Good News Translation; Light Paraphrase ) Star Wars Character: Luke Skywalker
Not the sharpest or most accurate lightsaber in the drawer, but its heart is in the right place and it has cartoons if you get lost. GNT has saved many lives (not counting Death Stars. But those stormtroopers knew the risks; it was right there in the name).
8 = The Living Bible ( Paraphrase )
Star Wars Character: Lando Calrissian
A suspiciously easy paraphrasing by a charismatic (but sometimes unreliable) narrator who refuses to let details get in the way of a good story. Well-intentioned and good for newbies, but needs a double-check with other translations for specific details.
1 = Original Greek/Hebrew ( LITERAL WFW ) Star Wars Character: Chewbacca Gibberish without secondary education and tuition debt. NIV swears he knows what Greek/Hebrew's saying, but we think NIV's just a good guesser. Don't argue with Greek/Hebrew: just let it win.
Remember that this list was just for fun. Like the Star Wars character you like and read the Bible you like to read. I'm not a religious teacher. At City on a Hill, we use ESV because the former Pastor has to make his Baylor Greek major pay off somewhere. The new one knows Han shot first, which is why we also like NIV. But we all agree that paraphrased Bibles are more of a study reference. Sorry, Lando.
And lest I forget...
During Covid, the author rediscovered cityonahilldfw.com. Post-vaccination he snuck into a service and felt zero social pressure. He's a member now and everyone knows he sucks at small talk. They don't care: it ain't that kind of church.
Comments